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Sunday, May 25th, 2003
10:12 am - Back to normal, so to speak.
So, my life has gone back to a relatively normal pace. I retreated quietly away from NG about a month or so ago-- I think my brother had gone away to sulk again. He's not bothering anyone right now, from what I know. I'm sure he'd let me know, though ._.; Though I hope he stays where he is right now. Wherever that may be.

I got my old jobs back. Last I heard from Ma~kun was that him and Ken finally patched things up-- and now, I'm only guessing the new relationship is keeping them both occupied. ~grins~

As for me, I believe I'm just living this life in peace for now... until some sort of incident crosses my way again ^_^;

current mood: content

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Friday, April 18th, 2003
2:34 pm - Silly men.
A week ago, I ran into Ma~kun's friend at the store... Ken~san. Er, I had no idea who he was, really, but he just started talking to me randomly. At first, I thought he was trying to hit on me and I was about to inch away, but he finally mentioned he was Ma~kun's friend.

My thought was, Ohhhh THAT Ken... :D

He was wary of me at first... I detected some sort of suspicious and resentment... He kind of loosened up when we walked back out the parking lot together. ~shrugs~

Then I told him to get some rest, he looks like he's been not getting sleep-- told him to give his pained heart a little bit of peace while he sleep, then he can deal with things better. He seemed a little surprise at the comment. I took out a card and told him to call me if he needed to talk. I kinda pitied the guy, I guess. I have a soft spot with men and their love problems, maybe? ^_~ lol

Last night, he finally called me up. And apologized to me a lot, because he thought Ma~kun was having an affair with me >_>; I almost started laughing-- I mean, Ma~kun is adorable and sweet, but... I don't think we were meant for each other like that ^^; I told him there was no harm done... I wasn't insulted or anything, and he seemed relieved. Told him he owed me a drink, though, for thinking I was some sort of hoebag. ;D

current mood: nerdy

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Saturday, March 29th, 2003
8:40 pm - Ma-kun.
Ma~kun has been calling me up all the time, lately, grabbing me away to have lunch, or dinner, or an afternoon snack together. He seemed to really want some sort of company, I think, like he wants to forget about his problems. We were out for ice cream one night, talking about the usual stupid things, when he finally broke down and told me what's wrong.

So, I listened, a little awkward to see the man in near tears, as we sat on the park bench together.

Poor thing.

After he was done, I reached over and placed an arm around his shoulder, giving him a light kiss on top of his head. I had to tell him that I didn't know what he should do. I've never really loved anyone as much as he seemed to. It must be wonderful to have friends like Ken and Tachi, I told him. I'd do anything to have friends like that...

Then I let him go, giving a shrug... The only thing I could tell him was that if he really wanted to salvage things between him and his friends, he has to go for that extra mile to do it. He just needs to figure out what he should do. It's good that he's not giving up.

~grins~ Told him he went to the wrong person for advice on this one, too... what would I know, right? then I think I made some sort of crack, and he laughed. I smiled. It's better when he's laughing.

current mood: worried

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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
1:22 pm
Seguchi~san left for New York. It seems Yuki-niisan decided to take a random break without telling ME! Seguchi~san wandered into his office a few days ago and was very confused to find me there... He was really out of it, though, so he didn't really do anything to kick me out... He just kinda accepted that I was working for him at the time being ._.; Poor guy seemed really bewildered.

Well........ Sakano and I have been trying to run things around his office without him, unfortunately ._.; It's been... chaotic, needless to say. especially since Sakano~san has a tendency to pass out every ten minutes..............

I miss my old job ;-;

current mood: aggravated

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Thursday, January 30th, 2003
10:32 pm
I haven't been able to update much lately... Been too busy keeping an eye on my brother. A few days ago, Mika~san cornered me-

Now, I've seen a lot of frightening things in my lifetime. I should be quite adept to all the scariest things that life can throw at a person, with the way I grew up, etc.

But nothing is scarier than a pissed off Uesugi woman.

She accused me of a lot of things, of course-- like, sleeping with her husband, being her husband's sex toy, etc. etc. I denied all of it, of course, and I tried to bullshit through the situation without giving away too much information (like 'your husband is currently possessed by the restless ghost of my horny brother from hell'). She refused to believe me, even when I told her that I'm really not all-woman like she was. Apparently that doesn't hold much sway to my argument.

Oh boy. I told her that there's no way in this world that I would even think of screwing her husband ._.; I guess with the way I said those words, I seem to have meant it- because then she got confused on why I won't sleep with Seguchi...

Wasn't he pretty enough? Rich enough? etc. etc. So on and so forth, she asked.

I lamely answered that he was too much of, um, a brother to me. This caught her off gaurd and I managed to slip away quickly as the words sunk in.

You know, if my brother wasn't already dead, I think I'd kill him with what he's putting me through.... -_-

current mood: annoyed

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Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
9:28 pm - Things are horrible- but what did you all expect?
Okay- so my job at NG is probably the best job I'll ever have the pleasure of having in my entire life span. My brother is paying me with Seguchi~san's money-- and he's taking advantage of this resource and letting his little sibling lead a leisurely life.

But I am antsy. And scared shitless. Of everything.

Seguchi~san's wife is planning to kill me!

And don't think I haven't been trying to talk sense to my brother. Every single day I'm trying to coax him out of this world-- gently and cautiously though-- scared to know what he'll do if he ever gets irritated with me. I don't want to find myself being hurled off that tall building or something. But everyday, he just grows more obsessed with where Eiri~san is, and what is Eiri~san doing, and who Eiri~san is with, etc. etc.

I keep running into Ma~kun around the building, too, and everytime he would ask me about what exactly is my job in NG-- I'd mumble out some BS or some excuse and run away. He probably thinks I'm annoyed with him again. But I can't worry about that now... I have a bigger problem at hand here...

current mood: annoyed

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Saturday, January 18th, 2003
10:40 pm - things are just getting stranger---
The last couple of days has been very odd...

I received an email from Seguchi~san a couple of days ago requesting my presence in his office to be his 'personal assisstant'. That definetely threw me off course- first words that popped in my head were 'what the fuck'. Therefore, not wanting to go against that man's wishes because he's kinda scary, I took the day off from my job and went.

I went to the office to find that... Seguchi wasn't exactly himself.

Augh.

I bet you'll never believe what's going on now- even though I've been writing about incredibly whacked out things for the last past days!

Well, I'm leaving my day job. Apparently, I have a job now at NG Records... needless to say... a lot of people are surprised... and highly suspicious... don't know if this is the best idea, but... I want to be around, whatever happens.

current mood: pessimistic

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Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
10:02 pm - Now I'm really scared o_o
I just got an email from....... Seguchi Tohma, saying he'll be wanting to see me again soon.

What the hell?

See me again?

Um.

Okay ._.

I hope this has nothing to do with that's going on with Eiri~san-- damn, who am I kidding? It probably has everything to do with Eiri~san.

Kill me now ._.

current mood: surprised

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Friday, January 10th, 2003
10:14 pm
It's funny, sometimes, when you think you're completely alone-- and friends manisfest out of nowhere without you seeing it coming. Since my visit with Oniisan and Eiri~san at their apartment, I guess I've been a little dazed and... just pretty much acting weird. So to speak.

I haven't had the energy to make myself look like I do most of the time... It's been mostly shapeless, baggy clothing for me. I wasn't even doing it on purpose- it's like, my eyes wanted to see that face I wore so long ago when I was still with my brother and the remnants of childhood I had. Of course, everyone who sees me everyday at work noticed, but they said nothing.

One thing about Japan is that you mind your own business.

But the guy I usually work with in the bar, Hisa, decided to go out of his way to talk to me after we've closed up the other night. He just sat me down and forced me to drink and eat something. He teased me and said I look horrible, and missed the cute Yoshiki he worked with before. He got some laughs and smiles out of me within half an hour.

I didn't tell him what was wrong, though, and he never asked. Before I left, he told me gently that whatever it is I need to resolve or face, I should do it soon-- before it eats me away completely and I'll never smile again.

I want to talk to Yuki~niisan again, now...

current mood: restless

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Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
11:38 pm
Oniisan and Eiri~san invited me to come over for dinner on New Years eve. Since the last few days, I admit that I've let myself walk around in a cloud of fantasy. I let myself believe that my own brother could somehow be back from the dead... I was so lonely, and I never realized it before... I've never let myself think about how dreadful life has been to me, so I could keep my sanity...

I felt like I was under a spell as I let myself be completely thrilled at the thought that he could still exist in this world. I guess I can't deny it any longer-- I am insane.

Eiri~san opened the door for me last night and I was shocked at his physical state. He didn't look like he was sleeping or eating well at all. His handsome face was haggard, eyes surrounded with deep, dark bags. I believe he also got skinnier. But I allowed him to show me to my brother and he sat me infront of his television. That's when something inside of me snapped back on properly-- I mean, I was talking to my older brother through a televsion! It was completely absurd! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculously crazy situation!

Though, somehow, I could hear him, feel his presence. And somehow, we did talk. Eiri~san sat on the couch and stared far off, quiet the entire time.

It really pains me to talk about this... I told him how much I missed him, and I loved him no matter what he had become... then I reminded him what he told me a long time ago, when our mother abandoned us. I remembered that I couldn't stop crying for her and Yuki-niisan held me. He told me that it was for the best she was gone. She was only hurting us with her irresponsibility and her drinking... We might love her, and she might love us- but sometimes it's okay to leave the ones you love. Especially when you know you're only tearing them down. That was why mama left us.
Even if maybe she did want to take care of me, she knew that she would only bring me more pain... she saw it happening to her oldest son... she wanted to spare me...

I stumbled out of Eiri~san's apartment before midnight. I couldn't stand it. The moment I arrived in my apartment I started crying and I cried all day. I cried for my older brother, for Eiri, for my mama, for my life...

Man. The Kitazawas are real fuck ups.

Happy New Years.

current mood: pessimistic

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Monday, December 30th, 2002
7:52 am - Off to see my brother.
After digging through my desk drawers for most of the night (I really need to clean those out...), I found Eiri~san's home phone number.

I'm going to call him later today to see if I can come over and visit my brother sometime soon :DDDD

current mood: energetic

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Saturday, December 28th, 2002
8:22 am
Oniisan is back? Is he happy? Is Eiri~san happy? If they're both happy, that's okay, right?

current mood: weird

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Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
12:39 pm - Yet...
Another lonely holiday for Yoshiki. Oh dear.

No family to go home to for a nice, warm, cozy dinner...

I remember when I was very, very young my older brother would always drag me out of bed early in the morning when the first sign of snow came. He'd help me bundle up and I'd disappear inside layers of thick sweaters and jackets. Then we'd both run to Central Park together. Sometimes, the snow would be thick and sometimes it'd be thin-- either way, we were always determined to build some sort of snowman. They always ended up looking deformed.. ~laughs~

We did that till our family and worlds fell apart...

I miss my nii~san. I wished I had been there for him. I wish I could help him now.

current mood: melancholy

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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
8:01 pm - ~grins~
My co-workers and I were on a little break here at the bar, when one of them showed me this on the laptop we keep back here...

http://www.malepregnancy.com/

I don't know... I think some people I might know might take an interest in it... bwehehehehe... ^_~

As for Ma~kun visiting with his friends....... boy, Ken~chan and Tachi~san drinks a lot. I don't want to get into all the gory details, but they all ended up getting dragged back to my apartment that night (with the assistance of Hisa and another co-worker).

Well. I didn't know where the hell any of them lived, exactly, and I'm too cheap to pay for their cabs anyways :P

Tachi passed out on my couch, Ken~chan was on the floor in the living room, and Ma~kun got thrown onto my bed. I grabbed some blankets and a pillow and slept on the floor far away from all of them... That was the first time I had three passed out drunken men in my apartment, and it scared me just a wee bit o_O

current mood: cynical

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Saturday, November 23rd, 2002
5:18 pm - this poor, neglected journal. o.O
Got a message on my celphone from Ma~kun... Said he might be swinging by the bar later tonight with some of his pals.

...."pals", I'm sure.

Ahem. I'm bracing myself for this one ~sweatdrop~

I think I'm gonna change into tomboy wear before I head off to work.

current mood: cheerful

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Saturday, November 16th, 2002
4:33 pm - Feeling slightly tired ^-^;
Ma~kun paid me a surprised visit last night at my work at the bar. I never got around to setting up a time to go out with him, and I guess he got impatient :d Well- I don't mind him visiting me at all, though ^-^ He was very mellow for the most part though... Didn't even get drunk this time ^_-

Something is really bothering him, too, I could tell...

I wonder if he'll ever feel comfortable enough to tell me what's up?

Ah well.

It's probably not my place. And it's not like I'm capable of helping anyone anyways :/

Otherwise, we had fun again, just hanging out all through the night. I think I got home at around 4 or 5 in the morning. Good thing I didn't have to work at the shoppe today ^^;;; But I gotta run off now to the bar~~!

ja~!

current mood: blank

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Monday, November 11th, 2002
11:13 pm
I just got home from work-- got off early at the bar, thank god ^^;

Jeezus. Ma~kun left like ten messages on my machine.

Apparently, he wants another round with me around town.

Ahhh, gotta find a day off and call him back. But for now, I'm gonna go collapse in bed. x_X

current mood: tired

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Friday, November 1st, 2002
12:02 am - What fun.
I was heading towards my work this morning, when this madman came speeding by in his car, almost running me over. Said madman was Ma~kun xP He promptly told me to get inside the car, and he'd make it up to me today about what happened the last time. I was touched by his sincerity, and hopped right in.

Actually, I just didn't want to go to work and wear that stupid costume :P

We drove around town that whole morning, an air of uncomfort hanging above us for the first hour. I think I had to make a joke about me being a transvestite to break the ice... Afterwards, he started asking so much questions about sex changes and breast transplants, that I offered him the name of my doctor since he sounded like he wanted to have some done too xPPPP He's such a stupidhead.

I spent the whole day with him. I think he seemed to be just distracting himself from something... ~shrugs~ I don't know. I just got the feeling he was trying to keep his mind off other things that were bothering him, but I didn't bring it up. Why make him talk about it when he wanted to get away from it, neh? ^^; Besides, I wanted to have fun, too.

Around the evening, I took him to my other work at the bar. He happily took advantage of the free drinks that was offered to him by my co-workers. Hisa kept winking and nudging at me. ~rolls eyes~ Bah-- Ma~kun's not that cute when he starts to get very drunk... In which he did. I decided we were going to walk after that, and made Hisa watch Ma~kun's car for the night.

When we left the bar, Ma~kun got this brilliant idea that since it was Halloween, we should go trick or treating. I told him there was a problem with that-- Japan doesn't celebrate Western-style Halloween, exactly.... He slurred something about watching cable the other day, and seeing a movie on it so he knew exactly what we were supposed to do. I gave up trying to explain things to him, and just indulged him ~sweatdrops~

Somehow, he ended up crossdressing for his costume, and I had to put on my tomboy-wear again. He said he looked more like a girl now that his hair is longer than mine. Hey, I wasn't gonna argue with that one :P He did look quite pretty, though...~grins~ Well, as expected, we didn't go past a block from my place before I decided we should just... stop before we scare anymore people, and the police gets on our cases...

I dragged him up here in my apartment. While I was fixing myself up in my room, I think he tried to get online on my computer... but he passed out. I dragged him to the sofa, where he's now sleeping peacefully.

~rolls eyes~

Stupidhead.

~smiles~

current mood: amused

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Saturday, October 26th, 2002
3:07 pm - smutsmutsmut.
I was browsing around the nearby bookstore today when I came across the Yuki Eiri shrine. Oh, I mean, aisle ^-^ Tee hee. Out of curiousity, since I never really picked up any of his books (cuz I hold no interest in the genre he wrote), I randomly pulled one out and started reading it. I couldn't read past ten pages...

Well, it certainly seems he's very talented with words... and... words o.O;;;

~shrugs~

~yawns~ I'm tired. I can't sleep too well lately. I feel extremely restless... like something's calling to me but I can't figure out what it is, or who... I dream about my oniisan a lot, though, but it's never anything bad... it's just dreams. Past childhood memories when we actually had a semblance of a good time with each other, the rare moments when life didn't seem too horrible... and we were allowed to be carefree...

~blinks~ Ah, gomen ^^; I seem to slip into these weird thoughts a lot too, lately. It happens when I don't sleep right...

current mood: lonely

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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
9:29 pm
Hmmmmm.. I've been having strange dreams lately. A little more like nightmares. About my brother. It's making me slightly nervous, thinking back to what happened not too long ago... Ahh, I think I'm just tiring myself out lately, that's why :P

More nervous than wearing that damned Snow White costume for work. Maybe I'll call in sick. Yes, that's a good idea -_-x

current mood: stressed

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